College

I recently attended my first college class (I need another language credit to graduate and there's no way in hell I'm going to take Latin)  These were... just a handful of my first impressions:

• Half the students didn’t have textbooks. One of them proudly proclaimed “I’m not paying 260 for a fu- a freaking webcode."  (She then turned to me and asked if I had the code)
• About a third of the students were my mom’s age
• One girl at the end of the aisle had all the answers and the loudest voice. I do not like her very much, but can at least admire her persistance.  I'm sure she'll get a good particpation grade
• College students do not give a flying pancake about anything
• The professor looked up the Spanish word for lisp so he could teach us how to ask Spaniards “why do you have a lisp?"
• The professor arrived five minutes late
• One guy came in an hour late. No questions were asked
• One lady went out for a smoke break and accidently got locked out
• The girl next to me said “I studied Spanish for six years. What are we doing.”  (She was nice)
• The other girl next to me signed the class behavior paper while eating Cheetos and checking her phone. I both admire her daring and fear her recklessness

(note:  I drafted this at the beginning of the semester and forgot about it until the end of the semester.  It's been... interesting to say the least)

From the Archives: Dear Adults (Episode 3)

Hi guys!

Just a small foot note before I start the rant discussion: I know that in the previous episode (link), I said that I was going to talk about grades the next episode, but a couple days later I ended up writing a super awesome episode which both of my parents approved of, so that's what I'm posting today.

Whooooooo's ready? I AM.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

The first time I wrote a Dear Adults letter...episode...thingie (uh...?), it was with the intention of destroying the phrase, ‘these are the best years of your life, so enjoy ‘em’. Shudder. As most of you know, I utterly ripped it to shreds, pointing out how incredibly insulting it was, no matter the interpretation. It was pretty popular, probably because I went to town on it and was aggressive, sarcastic, but also somewhat fair on the topic.

Today, I’m going to attempt (attempt!) to do the exact same thing, but with a new phrase. You guessed it: what do you want to be when you grow up?

This phrase always confuses me, and has since I was a little kid. If you can imagine little five year old Noelle, all blonde hair and goofiness, drawing away. I’ve asked around, and can I dispel a myth on the side - artists are not made through practice alone. Yes, practice will dramatically benefit you, as well as getting good teachers who encourage you, friends who can critique you, proper ‘artist quality’ supplies, and exploring new styles. But I was born an artist, with actual talent. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing, and honestly, it’s just a thing. BUT BACK ON TOPIC.

When I was a little kid, I distinctly remember relatives and friends of relatives asking me, “What do you want to me when you grow up?”

Scenario #1:
Them: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: An arc-ee-olly-gist. (or whatever the heck I wanted to be at the time. There was a time when I thought ‘frog breeder’ was a thing. I was horrified to discover it isn’t)
Them: But you’re such a great drawer*! You should be an artist! You’d be great at it!

Scenario #2:
Them: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: I dunno
Them: How about a scientist? Or a mathematician?**
Me: Can I be a singer?
Them: uh
Me: An artist?
Them: Sure sweetie

And then they’d kinda brush me off, like, ‘who cares, it’s just a little girl’. They have a point, I was five, and my concept of the future only went as far as my age - in minutes. Whatever the future was, it only existed for five minutes, and beyond that was an empty abyss that didn’t matter at all.

*Side note: Drawer is not a real word. It took me years to figure this out, because adults kept using around me
**Double side note: what exactly do mathematicians do, anyway? Cuz I didn’t have a CLUE as a child and I still don’t

What interests me is: if you’re not going to be happy with what I say, then why bother asking? Don’t even try to argue, ‘It’s just asking a kid a question, no big deal’ because I have been asked this all my life, even to this day! And what’s really interesting, and partially insulting, is that while the two scenarios haven’t changed, people’s reactions have. It seems the older I get, the more people expect me to abandon my dreams and give up life as a hopeless cubicle slave.

I mean this totally literally, of course.

Here, I’ll prove it:

Scenario #1:
Them: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: A author
Them: But you’re such a great drawer [still not a word]! You should be an artist! You’d be great at it!
Me: I know, but writing is my real passion, and I’d like to be an author.
Them: What kind of author?
Me: Fiction, probably young adult/fantasy. I like to work with a bunch of different subje-
Them: You know there’s already a bunch of great young adult authors, right? [No, really, people flat out said that to me. Way to be encouraging to the next generation]

Scenario #2:
Them: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: I’m not sure, exactly [I’ve refined a bit since my five year old years]
Them: Well, you’re in high school. Gotta chose that degree sooner or later, or else you’ll end up in your parent’s basement haha.
Me: Well I really enjoy art, writing, and music.
Them: So you really want to be in your parents basement.
Me: No, I think that anybody can make money doing something they love and-
Them: Entitled generation! Selfie generation! Spewing stuff about politics!
Me: *backs away slowly*

Okay, maybe it doesn’t go exactly like that, but I’d still appreciate it if my dreams were taken seriously. ANYWAY. Back to the main point: why exactly do adults ask, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’

When you’re a kid, the most you’ll be exposed to is the basic, heroic jobs, like police man, firefighter, astronaut - the kind of people that appear on TV, encouraging children across good ol’ America to eat healthy, stay and school, and don’t do drugs. When you’re a teenager, you’re expected to start getting your pathetic life together and to chase a passion that will land you a job with lots of money, ambition, respect, and room to eventually rise to the top - jobs like lawyers, doctors, scientists, etc. Stray outside the lines of normal answers, and you’ll be perceived as strange and, God forbid, thinking for yourself.

Because that’s what it boils down to: the phrase, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up,’ isn’t about what you actually want to be. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an archeologist, and that got shoved aside as kid weirdness - which it was, because I decided to chase my real passion. As a teenager, I’m not expected to follow those passions - I’m expected to be looking for a high paying, socially-acceptable job, and nothing else. Oh, and as a girl, I’m supposed to be looking for the perfect husband (angels sing in the distance) and want to have eight children in the future.

Okay, well here’s the truth (are you braced for it? You certain? Hold onto your hat, hang onto your baloney sandwich)

I want to be an young adult author.

I want to live in a tiny house, which I am already roughly designing.

I want to have a bunch of pets, like a cat and two sugar gliders, to keep me company while I write.

I don’t want children.

I don’t want to work in a cubicle like what seems to be 87% of society does.

I want to do what I love, and if I make money from it, then that’s all the better.

And here’s the best part: I’m already chasing my dream. Forget ‘when you grow up’, because that’s the most insulting, rude, ill-mannered, uncivil part of this question. It implies that, as a teenager, I can’t do anything more than dream of the future, get good grades in school, and hope that a college will allow me to give them thousands of dollars for an education and a piece of paper that makes me a socially-acceptable adult. It implies that I am not chasing my dreams. It implies that I have to be over 21 to have a job, be a member of society, and to have a voice.

It implies that my voice doesn’t matter.

I know that’s not what you mean, adults, I really do. But here’s some news: I already am working towards that future of a tiny house. I’m already making my mark as an author, blogger, and artist, and I don’t mean to be a braggart, but I think I’m doing pretty good for a teenager! So I ask you: what do you want to be when you grow up?

I like to finish off these Dear Adults post with a diagnosis, and the last few diagnoses have all been the same: staaaaph. HOWEVER. That’s not what’s happening today. Today, the diagnosis is: trade the phrase for, or ‘what are your hobbies?’ It’s better-mannered, is more respectful of what they enjoy doing, and ultimately has the same basic meaning.

Adults: Yeah, just, trade out the questions. No big deal.

Teenagers: CHASE THOSE DREAMS, YO!!! Also, next time you have to go to a social gathering where you’ll eventually be asked this question, here’s the ideal way to deal with it - smile, nod the entire time, and when the question finally drops, just say with your most dazzling smile, “A grave digger.”

(bonus points if you get a picture of their reaction)

Bye!

P.S.
I know not every adult asks this, and I know that you don’t mean it like this.  Chill your beans.

Double P.S.
Comment below with what phrase or aspect of teenager-hood I should talk about in the next episode!

From the Archives: Dear Adults (Episode 2)

Yo

As you MAY (just might have) guessed from the title, I’m doing another Dear Adults episode today! Hopefully this one is as interesting as the previous one, which you can read here.

Alright, the subject of today’s Dear Adults episode is: we are an electronic generation. What’s the big deal?

To clarify what I mean, I’ll give a little example: this blog. It’s completely electronic, isn’t it? That’s pretty much what a blog (or vlog) is - a completely electronic, creative platform that’s very popular. Invented in 1997, this platform has appealed to many, many writers and artists (and stay-at-home moms) because of its openness and informality.

As many of you know, I work a LOT on this blog. I’d say between admin work, writing, finding subject matter, and convincing new authors to give blogging a try, I’d average about 7 to 8 hours a week on my two blogs (including Steve the Wimpy Dragon) It is, so to speak, my secondary job, after doing well in school. It’s a job I enjoy, a job that I relish in, but it’s a job, all the same, and it requires a lot of work (just like any real hobby)

My teachers (I won’t name who, for politeness’ sake) claim that ‘this generation never slows down to admire the world around them, be truly creative, and to just play like children again’. Is that so?I guess I’ll just have to stop writing my books and blogs. Or drawing my artwork and painting every second I can. Or thinking about the world around me and worrying about the modern politics of our nation.

A sales person at Lowes laughs with my Mom about how ‘kids are always on their phone, I know how you feel!’ because I’m editing a picture for my blog (heck, I don’t even have a phone! It was Mom’s!)
True, my teachers are exaggerating, and the sales person was probably just trying to make a joke. We’re living in the most electronically-intertwined years that have ever existed on the planet, and the idea of a teenager having a phone generally brings up a negative image of Instagram, selfies, texting and driving, and acronyms taking up the majority of time in a teen’s day, which could be better spent on studying their school work, upping their grades or spending time with friends. (and may I add, slightly off subject: are grades really the point?? I’ll probably talk about it next Dear Adults episode)

And yet, when I go out in public (yes, I actually do leave the house sometimes. I’m not a complete vampire...yet), what do I see? ADULTS. WITH PHONES.

Adults are probably muttering at this point, saying things like, “Not all adults...” Take off your fedora, adult reading this post, and listen to me: that argument goes both ways. “Not all teenagers.”

Most of the people that I’m friends with, actually, don’t have phones. I’m not even talking about us ‘sheltered homeschoolers’. Public schoolers! Private schoolers! All of them, all participating in games, chatting with friends, enjoying life, and what’s best: not on their phone.

But back to my original point - when I got out in public, I see lots, and lots, and LOTS of adults with phones. When I went to the art museum recently, what did I see? Adults, sitting around on their phones, not even paying attention to the amazing pieces of 20 x 20 foot artwork literally right in front of them! People texting while walking right past Van Gogh paintings! If that isn’t enough to truly horrify you, then get this: the people who weren’t on their phone were teenagers and kids younger than me, who were absolutely amazed and thrilled to be there.

Look, it’s true. I admit that this generation of kids are much more electronically-involved than any generation before us. We are always typing, snapping, texting, lol-ing, whatever the heck you people are doing these days on your phones, computers, and gaming devices.

But it’s incredibly, completely insulting to assume that doesn’t mean we’re not creative, or that we don’t take time to admire and attempt to improve the world around us, because of a small glowing screen.
The world is a crazy place (the presidential election has definitely proved that) As teenagers, there’s not much we can do - we can’t vote, we don’t really have a voice, and as I’ve proved, no matter what we do, adults assume that we’re just goofing off. It makes me really sad that people think of it like that. And yes, “not all adults think like that.”  And neither are all teenagers.  You don't get to generalize around here.

I know that this episode was a little shorter than the last one, but let’s wrap this up, because I’ve made my point, very, very clearly. Diagnosis: staaaaaph.

Adults - stop making assumptions.

Teenagers - stop making it so easy for adults to belittle people your age. You can be creative. You can change the world. Prove it.

And I think that this episode has pointed out something else - while this blog series is labeled “Dear Adults”, the problems I discuss need to go both ways. It’s more than just teenagers pointing fingers at adults and whining. I’m not saying, “We’re a self-entitled generation that DESERVES to be treated better because we’re all special snowflakes and have opinions!”

No, that’s not how it works. It needs to be a mutual discussion.

So, in conclusion...next time you see a teenager in public with their phone, don’t tsk. Respect them as a human being who has dreams, creativity, and hopes for the future. Have a great week, and comment below with which issue “Dear Adults” should address next!

Gaining Motivation One Hair Curler at a Time

People talk about motivation as if it is something that happens to them. “I’ll do xyz when I get the motivation” is a common phrase that I’m sure you’ve heard - and said - a hundred times over. And trust me, we’ve all said it. I am a classical procrastinator; if there is some what to put it off, trust me, I will find it, even if avoiding it creates... more work for me. (It cannot be explained). But! Here are a few tips I have learned to help “create” motivation in your daily life.

Step One: Set The Scene
A big mistake that people make is assuming motivation will come to them from nowhere. That is a lie. You and your environment play a huge part in feeding that feeling of motivation. Writing a blog post once a week (heh) might seem impossible if you have a hundred other distractions such as

• A post you want to make on social media
• Laundry that needs to be done
• That shelf needs dusting!

This may come as a shock, but creative and productive people do not live in piles of laundry. So clean that ish up. “But I won’t have the energy to do anything else afterwards-” STEP TWO.


Step Two: Stop Beating Yourself Up (life does that enough for you)
So you’ve made sure your environment is clean and your chores are done. The bare minimum has been achieved, and now it’s time to tackle that project... but you’re tired. You’re just tired.

Think of motivation as a muscle. It has to be worked out. You can’t lift a 200 lb weight straight off the bat; you have to start with the 20 lb weight first. Sometimes, you won’t have the energy/motivation to complete something, and that’s okay. Try to set little goals. If there’s a shelf you want to install, collect the supplies that you’ll need to install it so the task won’t seem so daunting tomorrow. If there’s an essay to be written, figure out what chapters contain the information you need. Little steps are still steps. Standing still is not failure; you haven’t gone backwards. Work that muscle out.


Step Three: Psychoanalyze Yourself
But in a healthy way! Instead of beating yourself up, figure out what motivates you. If a flash of motivation does come by, I would quite literally suggest writing down the circumstances and what you think might have caused it. Figure out what makes you more inclined to be lazy. You are your own experiment, so use that scientific method that your teachers drilled into your brain (the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell) and control group your life.

Some examples from my life that might help you:

• I find being dressed + doing a full face of makeup helps me to be more productive in the mornings
• Leaving the overhead light on at night instead of switching on the dimmer bedside lamp keeps me awake and feeling like it’s still day time
• Having a 2-hour music compilation playing on Youtube instead of a playlist of shorter songs means less checking to see what the song is or trying to skip it, hence more work done
• I associate laying down with sketching and doing a lot of nothing, so I sit up when I’m writing, at all times
• I give myself reasons to stand up every half an hour or so, such as deliberately not getting enough paper towels when I paint or leaving my closet door open while I write. I tend to keep it closed and tell myself “when this chapter is done, I can go close it.”
• If I want to get something done AND have the energy to do it, I do it then, almost without fail. Want to clean my room even though it’s one in the morning? Well heck, I ain’t gonna want to do it tomorrow, better get going! Don’t deny yourself like that, you’re fighting a useless battle. ‘The heart wants what it wants’ applies.

Step Four: Watch Your Language!
Positive self talk is key. This sort of overlaps with step two, but I made it its own step for a number of reasons.

Reason #1: ‘Self talk’ isn’t just looking in the mirror and reaffirming yourself. Affirming yourself does nothing, especially if you subconsciously know that you’re doing your best. You’re not even doing well. So look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself the truth.

• Example: “[Name], you procrastinated on the essay like a little sh*t. But there’s still three days to the deadline, so let’s break it up into parts and start working on the first part. We will get better at this if we can just tackle the first part."

Reason #2: The language you use affects your mindset. Watch what words you use even when just thinking. Here are some examples!

• “I’ll get it done when I have the motivation,” makes motivation sound like a separate entity that comes and goes. You control your motivation. You control yourself. So instead of this excuse that you subconsciously know is wimpy, say, “I don’t have the energy to start now, but I have a plan.”
• “Ugh, I should have done better on this” can easily become, “I will do better on this next time.”

Step Five: Set Goals
Hi! Meet #goals. It’s a hashtag all about your life, because you are about to achieve victory like you would not believe. That is... if you stick to your goals - or wait, hold up. Did you skip step four? Let’s try again.

You are about to achieve victory like you would not believe, because you are going to set goals that will eventually be achieved, one by one. If you want to clean your room, decide what you’re going to do first and do it then, right then, not later and not tomorrow. Pick up that hair curler that’s been sitting on the floor for weeks. Start small, work your way up. You can do this.

I believe in you :)

P.S.
I know preaching about motivation is really ironic, considering the fact that I’ve abandoned this blog for months. Feel free to laugh about it. I did.



P.P.S.
If you’re struggling with mental health, I know you literally might not have the energy to do any of these steps. Please remember that these were meant to be guidelines and not rules!

60 Second Reviews

Sooooo we're moving.

It's only my tenth move I don't care or anything.

Anyway, this being our "final" move, we've been going through all our stuff and I mean ALL our stuff, including all the crappy wii games of my youth.  I decided to do quick, in fact, sixty second, reviews of every one of them.  Just warning you now though... most of them ain't good.  Like me's grammar.

Let's get started!

Spore Hero:  A semi fun game about collecting body “parts”, saving your alien friends, and defeating a comically evil demon from space.  Prepare to be frustrated over mini games that you MUST complete, not have adequate “parts” to complete battles, and be generally bored by the second or third level.
2/5 stars. Helped me entertain small children once.

Creative

Is the glass half full or half empty?

This question is near universally accepted as an easy way to ask, "Are you an optimist or a pessimist?"  However, like a lemon a day, I like to think a bit outside the box.  So, let us take a trip down the alleyway of alleged glasses, what they might possibly contain, and, of course, big words (What can I say?  I like big words and I cannot lie)

To start with what is the glass full (or empty) of?  Is it poison?  Perhaps half of the poisonous substance being removed might save me from the affects of the poison, therefore I would, with all the optimism of a child running after the ice cream man with nothing but a quarter, say that the glass is half empty!

How big is the glass?  Is it a beer bottle?  Perhaps I just had a drinking contest with a crime lord  (as teenage bloggers do just every other Tuesday) and I'm on my twelve glass and I optimistically say, "It's half empty?"

Am I pouring liquid in or out of the glass?  Maybe I'm not the one adding/subtracting water at all!  Maybe the glass is collecting rain water for me as it drips from an unfortunate attempt at DIY popcorn ceiling removal.  Then I think that I could quite pessimistically say, "The glass is half full, Ma, is the plumber ever going to get here?"  And my mother can realistically shake her head.  No.  They are not going to get here.  It will take three calls and at least four hours of Hawaiian waiting music to get the plumber to actually get to wherever here might be.

There are other ways of looking at the question, of course.  The "realist" might say that there's no difference between half empty and half fully. After all, if you add 1/2 to zero, its no different than if subtracted 1/2 from one.  However, I think there is a fourth way to answer this question, and that is with creativity, sarcasm, and just a touch of 'outside the box'.  To delve on such an artistic journey is to enter a magical gate way, a puffy pastel gate way tended to by the cherubim of "I don't actually care" and besieged by angry realists who don't, perhaps can't, understand that humour is just another way of dealing with a single, hypothetical glass of...

Seriously, did we ever establish what liquid is in the glass?

Did we even establish that it IS a liquid?!?! *GASP*

Seriously though, if you are a realist, an optimist, a pessimist, or a devout member of the creative castle, your view on the world is just as valid as everybody else's.  Everyone has their own story and people see things differently no matter what!  Pessimists  are "right or pleasantly surprised." Optimists are free from habitual worrying.  Realists always have the facts, and what facts cannot be obtained, you betcha they will find a way to make a spreadsheet for it.  And as for you, pastel fortress warriors, keep making jokes.  Keep not taking things as seriously as you "should".  Keep making people smile.  Because seriously, the world would be so much more gloomy without you.

Or is that a pessimistic view?

Until next time, and have a great day :)

Lemonade

When life gives you lemons....
You....
Make jokes about a random phrase?

When Life Gives You Lemons:  A List of Various "Inaccurate" Responses that Ask Much Better Questions than the Original

• Complain about the lemons
• Make poisoned lemonade to give back to Life
• Ask why Life is suddenly an anthropomorphic creature that's handing out lemons like its Halloween at the citrus farm
• Throw them back
• Throw them back at Life and demand chocolate
• Throw them back and demand a Black Widow movie (did ya hear they're making one? Did you, did you, did you?  Ahhhhhh I'm so excited!!)
• Throw them back and demand limes like what's up with this citrus racism HMMM?
• Plant a lemon tree. Tree grows more lemons.  More trees.  More lemons.  Sell lemons.  Make millions off of lemon production.  Donate and dedicate your life to charity.  Retire and ask Life over for tea.
• Speaking of tea, when life gives you lemons, care for your sore throat with some nice lemon flavored tea
• Mop your floors with lemon scented solution (I mean that's gotta help with something.  Any essential oil illuminati members out there?  What does lemon do for you?)
• Sell lemonade jugs to little kids at a reduced price so they can guilt strangers into buying their lemonade, thereby making the general public a couple quarters poorer and those kids think that lemonade stands are an actual viable business
• Eat the lemon
• Eat the lemon whole
• Make Life respect you as you eat a lemon without flinching.  You are now the king of life
• Start a lemon vlog channel
• Paint the lemons and post it on Pinterest under the guise as a "quick and easy, super fun DIY for kids!"
• Politely return the lemons
• Direct a movie using only lemon actors (knowing the internet, it's probably on YouTube.  Also knowing the internet, I wouldn't search for it)
• and finally:
• Sit Life down (preferably with that soothing lemon tea and a nice blanket) and ask them why they have sO MANY DAMN LEMONS WHY?!  CALM YO SELF LIFE

Ha lemon jokes for life!  Ok but to be honest, this whole blog post was just an excuse to show you a drawing brought to you by none other than fetus me.  For context, I took this picture in 2015 on an iPod touch.  Ew.

I totally still want this on a shirt.  Let me know it I should put it on a shirt.

I'm putting it on a shirt.

Before I impulse buy 200 #HaveALemon shirts, I hope you enjoyed this post!  Comment below telling me what "When life gives you lemons..." responses I missed (Because I'm sure there's more.  There's always more) and as always, have a wonderful day.  Bye!

From the Archives: Dear Adults (Episode 1)

Hi guys!!!

It's another archive post.  This was originally posted on a blog blog written by all teenagers, some soon to be adults - although I don't really get that.  Are 17 year olds supposed to wake up one day and be like, "Oh goodie, now I'm an adult!  Time to pay taxes, go to college, get a job, and search for a potential mate before my family buys me cats and/or tries to set me up with a snot-nose who's twice my age!"

Yup.

Fair warning, this new blog post series will be pretty much made up of extremely unnecessarily judgmental rants directed in adults' direction.  Sorry.  (Except I'm not.  Writing this post was so fun.)

Today's edition of Dear Adults is discussing that hallowed, decrepit phrase - "these are the best years of your life, so enjoy 'em!"

*Teenagers everywhere shudder*

First of all, this phrase makes me think of aunts who smell like cats and cigarette smoke and bake you oatmeal raisin cookies that you're forced to gag down because your mother is giving you this look:

The "Be polite now because we're in public and I can't kill you yet" look

(she posed for this.  Thanks Mom)

OR, a distant friend of your mom's, with two bratty kids and a screaming baby who they call "their little cupcake".  You barely know this woman and had the misfortune of running into her in like, the commissary.  (Or the grocery store, for you civilians)

These are NOT good images people.

Secondly.......WHAT?!

These are the best years of my life?!  Just what do you think a teenagers life is actually like?  Let's take a step back now and look at the teenager's mind.  Like literally, what is going on up there?

I know, for me, I'm stressed over school, wondering if I should get a job (and if I can balance my hobbies with money-making and not be miserable), concerned about where I'm going and what I should do with my life, worried that my dreams will never come true and I'll be staggering around in a land fill begging the pigeons for food when I'm 40 because I got an B- on that quiz last week instead of a A.  Teenagers are, in general, an emotional mess, drenched in rampant hormones they don't know how to deal with, and are covered in pressure - and not just peer pressure, but pressure from their teachers, parents, coaches, extracurriculars, A.P. classes, bosses, etc.

Ah, to be young and carefree!

So maybe I'm happy - which is what I'm guessing this phrase is implying, because otherwise, what the heck, thanks jerk for reminding my how sad, lonely, and miserable my life is going to be.  So maybe I'm just content to allow life to happen and feel the breeze and the auras around me and wow the sun is so beautiful!!

(no, I'm not a hippie.  I've never met a hippie teenager.  Peace, yo)

Anyway, even if I'm happy...these are the best years of my life!?

My life?!!?

Human life expectancy is about 80 years of age and stretching with every scientific discovery about genetics and what we're made of (and dropping every time a new Burger King joint opens its doors)  These are the best years of my life?  I won't enjoy my 20s or my 50s or my 80s or any other time as much as my tumultuous, miserable teenage years?  There won't be a single day where I'm sitting in a rocking chair in my 60s as the summer breeze drifts around me,my one year old grandchild asleep in my lap like an adorable squishy couch potato, and I say, "This is the best time of my life,"?

This is not promising.  Or encouraging, or cute, or 'enjoy-it'-inducing, or whatever the heck was supposed to be.

This is a threat.

It is literally promising that no matter how sucky life is at the moment, heh, it's only downhill from here!  Have fun with our 19.4 TRILLION dollar national debt, the responsibility of figuring out whether humans are actually melting the planet or if that's just political hype, plague, famine, pestilence, World War 3, and Trump (or Clinton.  Either way:

Conclusion: This phrase is so insulting on so many levels I'm surprise it even became a thing.  It was probably invented by the same guy who put the 's' in lisp.  And puts sharp corners on hip-height furniture.

Diagnosis:  Destroy it!  If an adult ever says this to you teens, feel free to slap them, with a fridge, or something lighter, like a scorpion.  Or let loose the fire of hell and tell them a thing or two (you can quote me!  I won't sue)

Or you can just force an awkward laugh and nod politely before exiting like a sweatshirt-ed ninja.

Since that's what we're doing anyway.

Sincerely,

Teens.

P.S.

I hope it was extremely clear that I meant this post to be as ridiculously sarcastic and offensively scathing as possible and that it was clear that I didn't literally mean to point fingers at anyone.  If you think this was too mean, tell me in the comments below.  Or complain to your friends about how weird and offensive this blog post was and give them a link.

Teens - tell me what Dear Adults I should do next!

Adults - Please stop telling kids that these are the best years of our life.

Literally, I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

Bye!  See you next week!

Spam

Spam emails are ridiculous.  I know that my account automatically deletes spam emails after 30 days, but I like to go through there every once and a while just for laughs, because seriously, they're so ridiculous!  Not only do some pretend to be people I know and fail in every possible way, they also seem to think that I am a forty to sixty year old man who is sad that they are forty to sixty years old, a socially awkward teenaged guy in desperate "need" of some bow chick a wow wow, or a 30 something mother with an arsenal of coupons on a mission to give customer service workers everywhere a head ache and a half.  Allow me to demonstrate.

Exhibit A: the "friend"
This person uses a name that seems to be a name that's commonly associated with your email.  It's clever, because you think for a moment that you did get an email from your BFF!  And then you open the email and it reverts to:

Exhibit B:  the "friend 😏😏 if ya know what I mean"
These are the gross emails you get that make you feel like you should probably start attending daily mass.  I find these minimally amusing because tag lines include "I had so much fun last night, we should do it again" and "are you that guy from the club last Friday?".  Riiiiiiight.  As a writer who spends Fridays night at Barnes n Noble drinking over priced coffee, this spammer could not be farther off the mark if they tried.

Exhibit C:  the Absolute Screw Up
This email messes everything up, in every conceivable manner.  The best example I have is the 12 identical emails I got from literally "Jane Smith" (real creative there)   Each was titled, "Why haven't you answered my texts".  Plausible enough....  And then, the actual email says, "Hey, you emailed me, do we know each other?"
Nuff said about that.

Exhibit D:  the Dating Simulator
Similar to B, this email advertises the best dating website ever, filled with women who are timid, sexually active, slam dunk hot, 'exotic', and so desperate that they'll date you no matter what colour your fedora is or how misogynistic  you are!  I'm... stunned.  Where is this army of women in real life?  
Haha.
Nowhere.
 
Exhibit E:  The Ironic
"Check for pedophiles in your area", "Keep the net safe for your kids", and "Find out if he's cheating on you with an 'Internet friend'" all fall under this category.  There's also 'official' government announcements that misspell the word government, defense, and judicial.  A+

Exhibit F:  The "Midas Touch"
I call this one the Midas Touch because it seems golden and amazing and a beautiful, pure email that is mixed in with the mud.  It is the email from somebody you actually know, with information that is relevant to you... 6 months ago.  This golden email is useless.  The Midas Touch ruins all.  This email is over half a year old, and it needed a response in a week.  You can never go in public again.  Avoid email sender at all costs.  Change your name to Merida and move to Scotland.  All is lost!

So yeah, that's my thoughts on spam!  Did I miss any important categories?  Do I think about this way too much for a normal human being?  I probably do XD. Tell me how lame I am in the comments, I'll probably find an email notification in my spam folder in three years.  Thanks for reading, and see you next time!

PS
Look up 'Scamalot / James Veitch " on YouTube.  You will not be disappointed :D