Spam

Spam emails are ridiculous.  I know that my account automatically deletes spam emails after 30 days, but I like to go through there every once and a while just for laughs, because seriously, they're so ridiculous!  Not only do some pretend to be people I know and fail in every possible way, they also seem to think that I am a forty to sixty year old man who is sad that they are forty to sixty years old, a socially awkward teenaged guy in desperate "need" of some bow chick a wow wow, or a 30 something mother with an arsenal of coupons on a mission to give customer service workers everywhere a head ache and a half.  Allow me to demonstrate.

Exhibit A: the "friend"
This person uses a name that seems to be a name that's commonly associated with your email.  It's clever, because you think for a moment that you did get an email from your BFF!  And then you open the email and it reverts to:

Exhibit B:  the "friend 😏😏 if ya know what I mean"
These are the gross emails you get that make you feel like you should probably start attending daily mass.  I find these minimally amusing because tag lines include "I had so much fun last night, we should do it again" and "are you that guy from the club last Friday?".  Riiiiiiight.  As a writer who spends Fridays night at Barnes n Noble drinking over priced coffee, this spammer could not be farther off the mark if they tried.

Exhibit C:  the Absolute Screw Up
This email messes everything up, in every conceivable manner.  The best example I have is the 12 identical emails I got from literally "Jane Smith" (real creative there)   Each was titled, "Why haven't you answered my texts".  Plausible enough....  And then, the actual email says, "Hey, you emailed me, do we know each other?"
Nuff said about that.

Exhibit D:  the Dating Simulator
Similar to B, this email advertises the best dating website ever, filled with women who are timid, sexually active, slam dunk hot, 'exotic', and so desperate that they'll date you no matter what colour your fedora is or how misogynistic  you are!  I'm... stunned.  Where is this army of women in real life?  
Haha.
Nowhere.
 
Exhibit E:  The Ironic
"Check for pedophiles in your area", "Keep the net safe for your kids", and "Find out if he's cheating on you with an 'Internet friend'" all fall under this category.  There's also 'official' government announcements that misspell the word government, defense, and judicial.  A+

Exhibit F:  The "Midas Touch"
I call this one the Midas Touch because it seems golden and amazing and a beautiful, pure email that is mixed in with the mud.  It is the email from somebody you actually know, with information that is relevant to you... 6 months ago.  This golden email is useless.  The Midas Touch ruins all.  This email is over half a year old, and it needed a response in a week.  You can never go in public again.  Avoid email sender at all costs.  Change your name to Merida and move to Scotland.  All is lost!

So yeah, that's my thoughts on spam!  Did I miss any important categories?  Do I think about this way too much for a normal human being?  I probably do XD. Tell me how lame I am in the comments, I'll probably find an email notification in my spam folder in three years.  Thanks for reading, and see you next time!

PS
Look up 'Scamalot / James Veitch " on YouTube.  You will not be disappointed :D