From the Archives: Dear Adults (Episode 3)

Hi guys!

Just a small foot note before I start the rant discussion: I know that in the previous episode (link), I said that I was going to talk about grades the next episode, but a couple days later I ended up writing a super awesome episode which both of my parents approved of, so that's what I'm posting today.

Whooooooo's ready? I AM.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

The first time I wrote a Dear Adults letter...episode...thingie (uh...?), it was with the intention of destroying the phrase, ‘these are the best years of your life, so enjoy ‘em’. Shudder. As most of you know, I utterly ripped it to shreds, pointing out how incredibly insulting it was, no matter the interpretation. It was pretty popular, probably because I went to town on it and was aggressive, sarcastic, but also somewhat fair on the topic.

Today, I’m going to attempt (attempt!) to do the exact same thing, but with a new phrase. You guessed it: what do you want to be when you grow up?

This phrase always confuses me, and has since I was a little kid. If you can imagine little five year old Noelle, all blonde hair and goofiness, drawing away. I’ve asked around, and can I dispel a myth on the side - artists are not made through practice alone. Yes, practice will dramatically benefit you, as well as getting good teachers who encourage you, friends who can critique you, proper ‘artist quality’ supplies, and exploring new styles. But I was born an artist, with actual talent. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing, and honestly, it’s just a thing. BUT BACK ON TOPIC.

When I was a little kid, I distinctly remember relatives and friends of relatives asking me, “What do you want to me when you grow up?”

Scenario #1:
Them: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: An arc-ee-olly-gist. (or whatever the heck I wanted to be at the time. There was a time when I thought ‘frog breeder’ was a thing. I was horrified to discover it isn’t)
Them: But you’re such a great drawer*! You should be an artist! You’d be great at it!

Scenario #2:
Them: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: I dunno
Them: How about a scientist? Or a mathematician?**
Me: Can I be a singer?
Them: uh
Me: An artist?
Them: Sure sweetie

And then they’d kinda brush me off, like, ‘who cares, it’s just a little girl’. They have a point, I was five, and my concept of the future only went as far as my age - in minutes. Whatever the future was, it only existed for five minutes, and beyond that was an empty abyss that didn’t matter at all.

*Side note: Drawer is not a real word. It took me years to figure this out, because adults kept using around me
**Double side note: what exactly do mathematicians do, anyway? Cuz I didn’t have a CLUE as a child and I still don’t

What interests me is: if you’re not going to be happy with what I say, then why bother asking? Don’t even try to argue, ‘It’s just asking a kid a question, no big deal’ because I have been asked this all my life, even to this day! And what’s really interesting, and partially insulting, is that while the two scenarios haven’t changed, people’s reactions have. It seems the older I get, the more people expect me to abandon my dreams and give up life as a hopeless cubicle slave.

I mean this totally literally, of course.

Here, I’ll prove it:

Scenario #1:
Them: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: A author
Them: But you’re such a great drawer [still not a word]! You should be an artist! You’d be great at it!
Me: I know, but writing is my real passion, and I’d like to be an author.
Them: What kind of author?
Me: Fiction, probably young adult/fantasy. I like to work with a bunch of different subje-
Them: You know there’s already a bunch of great young adult authors, right? [No, really, people flat out said that to me. Way to be encouraging to the next generation]

Scenario #2:
Them: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: I’m not sure, exactly [I’ve refined a bit since my five year old years]
Them: Well, you’re in high school. Gotta chose that degree sooner or later, or else you’ll end up in your parent’s basement haha.
Me: Well I really enjoy art, writing, and music.
Them: So you really want to be in your parents basement.
Me: No, I think that anybody can make money doing something they love and-
Them: Entitled generation! Selfie generation! Spewing stuff about politics!
Me: *backs away slowly*

Okay, maybe it doesn’t go exactly like that, but I’d still appreciate it if my dreams were taken seriously. ANYWAY. Back to the main point: why exactly do adults ask, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’

When you’re a kid, the most you’ll be exposed to is the basic, heroic jobs, like police man, firefighter, astronaut - the kind of people that appear on TV, encouraging children across good ol’ America to eat healthy, stay and school, and don’t do drugs. When you’re a teenager, you’re expected to start getting your pathetic life together and to chase a passion that will land you a job with lots of money, ambition, respect, and room to eventually rise to the top - jobs like lawyers, doctors, scientists, etc. Stray outside the lines of normal answers, and you’ll be perceived as strange and, God forbid, thinking for yourself.

Because that’s what it boils down to: the phrase, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up,’ isn’t about what you actually want to be. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an archeologist, and that got shoved aside as kid weirdness - which it was, because I decided to chase my real passion. As a teenager, I’m not expected to follow those passions - I’m expected to be looking for a high paying, socially-acceptable job, and nothing else. Oh, and as a girl, I’m supposed to be looking for the perfect husband (angels sing in the distance) and want to have eight children in the future.

Okay, well here’s the truth (are you braced for it? You certain? Hold onto your hat, hang onto your baloney sandwich)

I want to be an young adult author.

I want to live in a tiny house, which I am already roughly designing.

I want to have a bunch of pets, like a cat and two sugar gliders, to keep me company while I write.

I don’t want children.

I don’t want to work in a cubicle like what seems to be 87% of society does.

I want to do what I love, and if I make money from it, then that’s all the better.

And here’s the best part: I’m already chasing my dream. Forget ‘when you grow up’, because that’s the most insulting, rude, ill-mannered, uncivil part of this question. It implies that, as a teenager, I can’t do anything more than dream of the future, get good grades in school, and hope that a college will allow me to give them thousands of dollars for an education and a piece of paper that makes me a socially-acceptable adult. It implies that I am not chasing my dreams. It implies that I have to be over 21 to have a job, be a member of society, and to have a voice.

It implies that my voice doesn’t matter.

I know that’s not what you mean, adults, I really do. But here’s some news: I already am working towards that future of a tiny house. I’m already making my mark as an author, blogger, and artist, and I don’t mean to be a braggart, but I think I’m doing pretty good for a teenager! So I ask you: what do you want to be when you grow up?

I like to finish off these Dear Adults post with a diagnosis, and the last few diagnoses have all been the same: staaaaph. HOWEVER. That’s not what’s happening today. Today, the diagnosis is: trade the phrase for, or ‘what are your hobbies?’ It’s better-mannered, is more respectful of what they enjoy doing, and ultimately has the same basic meaning.

Adults: Yeah, just, trade out the questions. No big deal.

Teenagers: CHASE THOSE DREAMS, YO!!! Also, next time you have to go to a social gathering where you’ll eventually be asked this question, here’s the ideal way to deal with it - smile, nod the entire time, and when the question finally drops, just say with your most dazzling smile, “A grave digger.”

(bonus points if you get a picture of their reaction)

Bye!

P.S.
I know not every adult asks this, and I know that you don’t mean it like this.  Chill your beans.

Double P.S.
Comment below with what phrase or aspect of teenager-hood I should talk about in the next episode!

From the Archives: Dear Adults (Episode 2)

Yo

As you MAY (just might have) guessed from the title, I’m doing another Dear Adults episode today! Hopefully this one is as interesting as the previous one, which you can read here.

Alright, the subject of today’s Dear Adults episode is: we are an electronic generation. What’s the big deal?

To clarify what I mean, I’ll give a little example: this blog. It’s completely electronic, isn’t it? That’s pretty much what a blog (or vlog) is - a completely electronic, creative platform that’s very popular. Invented in 1997, this platform has appealed to many, many writers and artists (and stay-at-home moms) because of its openness and informality.

As many of you know, I work a LOT on this blog. I’d say between admin work, writing, finding subject matter, and convincing new authors to give blogging a try, I’d average about 7 to 8 hours a week on my two blogs (including Steve the Wimpy Dragon) It is, so to speak, my secondary job, after doing well in school. It’s a job I enjoy, a job that I relish in, but it’s a job, all the same, and it requires a lot of work (just like any real hobby)

My teachers (I won’t name who, for politeness’ sake) claim that ‘this generation never slows down to admire the world around them, be truly creative, and to just play like children again’. Is that so?I guess I’ll just have to stop writing my books and blogs. Or drawing my artwork and painting every second I can. Or thinking about the world around me and worrying about the modern politics of our nation.

A sales person at Lowes laughs with my Mom about how ‘kids are always on their phone, I know how you feel!’ because I’m editing a picture for my blog (heck, I don’t even have a phone! It was Mom’s!)
True, my teachers are exaggerating, and the sales person was probably just trying to make a joke. We’re living in the most electronically-intertwined years that have ever existed on the planet, and the idea of a teenager having a phone generally brings up a negative image of Instagram, selfies, texting and driving, and acronyms taking up the majority of time in a teen’s day, which could be better spent on studying their school work, upping their grades or spending time with friends. (and may I add, slightly off subject: are grades really the point?? I’ll probably talk about it next Dear Adults episode)

And yet, when I go out in public (yes, I actually do leave the house sometimes. I’m not a complete vampire...yet), what do I see? ADULTS. WITH PHONES.

Adults are probably muttering at this point, saying things like, “Not all adults...” Take off your fedora, adult reading this post, and listen to me: that argument goes both ways. “Not all teenagers.”

Most of the people that I’m friends with, actually, don’t have phones. I’m not even talking about us ‘sheltered homeschoolers’. Public schoolers! Private schoolers! All of them, all participating in games, chatting with friends, enjoying life, and what’s best: not on their phone.

But back to my original point - when I got out in public, I see lots, and lots, and LOTS of adults with phones. When I went to the art museum recently, what did I see? Adults, sitting around on their phones, not even paying attention to the amazing pieces of 20 x 20 foot artwork literally right in front of them! People texting while walking right past Van Gogh paintings! If that isn’t enough to truly horrify you, then get this: the people who weren’t on their phone were teenagers and kids younger than me, who were absolutely amazed and thrilled to be there.

Look, it’s true. I admit that this generation of kids are much more electronically-involved than any generation before us. We are always typing, snapping, texting, lol-ing, whatever the heck you people are doing these days on your phones, computers, and gaming devices.

But it’s incredibly, completely insulting to assume that doesn’t mean we’re not creative, or that we don’t take time to admire and attempt to improve the world around us, because of a small glowing screen.
The world is a crazy place (the presidential election has definitely proved that) As teenagers, there’s not much we can do - we can’t vote, we don’t really have a voice, and as I’ve proved, no matter what we do, adults assume that we’re just goofing off. It makes me really sad that people think of it like that. And yes, “not all adults think like that.”  And neither are all teenagers.  You don't get to generalize around here.

I know that this episode was a little shorter than the last one, but let’s wrap this up, because I’ve made my point, very, very clearly. Diagnosis: staaaaaph.

Adults - stop making assumptions.

Teenagers - stop making it so easy for adults to belittle people your age. You can be creative. You can change the world. Prove it.

And I think that this episode has pointed out something else - while this blog series is labeled “Dear Adults”, the problems I discuss need to go both ways. It’s more than just teenagers pointing fingers at adults and whining. I’m not saying, “We’re a self-entitled generation that DESERVES to be treated better because we’re all special snowflakes and have opinions!”

No, that’s not how it works. It needs to be a mutual discussion.

So, in conclusion...next time you see a teenager in public with their phone, don’t tsk. Respect them as a human being who has dreams, creativity, and hopes for the future. Have a great week, and comment below with which issue “Dear Adults” should address next!

Gaining Motivation One Hair Curler at a Time

People talk about motivation as if it is something that happens to them. “I’ll do xyz when I get the motivation” is a common phrase that I’m sure you’ve heard - and said - a hundred times over. And trust me, we’ve all said it. I am a classical procrastinator; if there is some what to put it off, trust me, I will find it, even if avoiding it creates... more work for me. (It cannot be explained). But! Here are a few tips I have learned to help “create” motivation in your daily life.

Step One: Set The Scene
A big mistake that people make is assuming motivation will come to them from nowhere. That is a lie. You and your environment play a huge part in feeding that feeling of motivation. Writing a blog post once a week (heh) might seem impossible if you have a hundred other distractions such as

• A post you want to make on social media
• Laundry that needs to be done
• That shelf needs dusting!

This may come as a shock, but creative and productive people do not live in piles of laundry. So clean that ish up. “But I won’t have the energy to do anything else afterwards-” STEP TWO.


Step Two: Stop Beating Yourself Up (life does that enough for you)
So you’ve made sure your environment is clean and your chores are done. The bare minimum has been achieved, and now it’s time to tackle that project... but you’re tired. You’re just tired.

Think of motivation as a muscle. It has to be worked out. You can’t lift a 200 lb weight straight off the bat; you have to start with the 20 lb weight first. Sometimes, you won’t have the energy/motivation to complete something, and that’s okay. Try to set little goals. If there’s a shelf you want to install, collect the supplies that you’ll need to install it so the task won’t seem so daunting tomorrow. If there’s an essay to be written, figure out what chapters contain the information you need. Little steps are still steps. Standing still is not failure; you haven’t gone backwards. Work that muscle out.


Step Three: Psychoanalyze Yourself
But in a healthy way! Instead of beating yourself up, figure out what motivates you. If a flash of motivation does come by, I would quite literally suggest writing down the circumstances and what you think might have caused it. Figure out what makes you more inclined to be lazy. You are your own experiment, so use that scientific method that your teachers drilled into your brain (the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell) and control group your life.

Some examples from my life that might help you:

• I find being dressed + doing a full face of makeup helps me to be more productive in the mornings
• Leaving the overhead light on at night instead of switching on the dimmer bedside lamp keeps me awake and feeling like it’s still day time
• Having a 2-hour music compilation playing on Youtube instead of a playlist of shorter songs means less checking to see what the song is or trying to skip it, hence more work done
• I associate laying down with sketching and doing a lot of nothing, so I sit up when I’m writing, at all times
• I give myself reasons to stand up every half an hour or so, such as deliberately not getting enough paper towels when I paint or leaving my closet door open while I write. I tend to keep it closed and tell myself “when this chapter is done, I can go close it.”
• If I want to get something done AND have the energy to do it, I do it then, almost without fail. Want to clean my room even though it’s one in the morning? Well heck, I ain’t gonna want to do it tomorrow, better get going! Don’t deny yourself like that, you’re fighting a useless battle. ‘The heart wants what it wants’ applies.

Step Four: Watch Your Language!
Positive self talk is key. This sort of overlaps with step two, but I made it its own step for a number of reasons.

Reason #1: ‘Self talk’ isn’t just looking in the mirror and reaffirming yourself. Affirming yourself does nothing, especially if you subconsciously know that you’re doing your best. You’re not even doing well. So look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself the truth.

• Example: “[Name], you procrastinated on the essay like a little sh*t. But there’s still three days to the deadline, so let’s break it up into parts and start working on the first part. We will get better at this if we can just tackle the first part."

Reason #2: The language you use affects your mindset. Watch what words you use even when just thinking. Here are some examples!

• “I’ll get it done when I have the motivation,” makes motivation sound like a separate entity that comes and goes. You control your motivation. You control yourself. So instead of this excuse that you subconsciously know is wimpy, say, “I don’t have the energy to start now, but I have a plan.”
• “Ugh, I should have done better on this” can easily become, “I will do better on this next time.”

Step Five: Set Goals
Hi! Meet #goals. It’s a hashtag all about your life, because you are about to achieve victory like you would not believe. That is... if you stick to your goals - or wait, hold up. Did you skip step four? Let’s try again.

You are about to achieve victory like you would not believe, because you are going to set goals that will eventually be achieved, one by one. If you want to clean your room, decide what you’re going to do first and do it then, right then, not later and not tomorrow. Pick up that hair curler that’s been sitting on the floor for weeks. Start small, work your way up. You can do this.

I believe in you :)

P.S.
I know preaching about motivation is really ironic, considering the fact that I’ve abandoned this blog for months. Feel free to laugh about it. I did.



P.P.S.
If you’re struggling with mental health, I know you literally might not have the energy to do any of these steps. Please remember that these were meant to be guidelines and not rules!

60 Second Reviews

Sooooo we're moving.

It's only my tenth move I don't care or anything.

Anyway, this being our "final" move, we've been going through all our stuff and I mean ALL our stuff, including all the crappy wii games of my youth.  I decided to do quick, in fact, sixty second, reviews of every one of them.  Just warning you now though... most of them ain't good.  Like me's grammar.

Let's get started!

Spore Hero:  A semi fun game about collecting body “parts”, saving your alien friends, and defeating a comically evil demon from space.  Prepare to be frustrated over mini games that you MUST complete, not have adequate “parts” to complete battles, and be generally bored by the second or third level.
2/5 stars. Helped me entertain small children once.

Creative

Is the glass half full or half empty?

This question is near universally accepted as an easy way to ask, "Are you an optimist or a pessimist?"  However, like a lemon a day, I like to think a bit outside the box.  So, let us take a trip down the alleyway of alleged glasses, what they might possibly contain, and, of course, big words (What can I say?  I like big words and I cannot lie)

To start with what is the glass full (or empty) of?  Is it poison?  Perhaps half of the poisonous substance being removed might save me from the affects of the poison, therefore I would, with all the optimism of a child running after the ice cream man with nothing but a quarter, say that the glass is half empty!

How big is the glass?  Is it a beer bottle?  Perhaps I just had a drinking contest with a crime lord  (as teenage bloggers do just every other Tuesday) and I'm on my twelve glass and I optimistically say, "It's half empty?"

Am I pouring liquid in or out of the glass?  Maybe I'm not the one adding/subtracting water at all!  Maybe the glass is collecting rain water for me as it drips from an unfortunate attempt at DIY popcorn ceiling removal.  Then I think that I could quite pessimistically say, "The glass is half full, Ma, is the plumber ever going to get here?"  And my mother can realistically shake her head.  No.  They are not going to get here.  It will take three calls and at least four hours of Hawaiian waiting music to get the plumber to actually get to wherever here might be.

There are other ways of looking at the question, of course.  The "realist" might say that there's no difference between half empty and half fully. After all, if you add 1/2 to zero, its no different than if subtracted 1/2 from one.  However, I think there is a fourth way to answer this question, and that is with creativity, sarcasm, and just a touch of 'outside the box'.  To delve on such an artistic journey is to enter a magical gate way, a puffy pastel gate way tended to by the cherubim of "I don't actually care" and besieged by angry realists who don't, perhaps can't, understand that humour is just another way of dealing with a single, hypothetical glass of...

Seriously, did we ever establish what liquid is in the glass?

Did we even establish that it IS a liquid?!?! *GASP*

Seriously though, if you are a realist, an optimist, a pessimist, or a devout member of the creative castle, your view on the world is just as valid as everybody else's.  Everyone has their own story and people see things differently no matter what!  Pessimists  are "right or pleasantly surprised." Optimists are free from habitual worrying.  Realists always have the facts, and what facts cannot be obtained, you betcha they will find a way to make a spreadsheet for it.  And as for you, pastel fortress warriors, keep making jokes.  Keep not taking things as seriously as you "should".  Keep making people smile.  Because seriously, the world would be so much more gloomy without you.

Or is that a pessimistic view?

Until next time, and have a great day :)

Lemonade

When life gives you lemons....
You....
Make jokes about a random phrase?

When Life Gives You Lemons:  A List of Various "Inaccurate" Responses that Ask Much Better Questions than the Original

• Complain about the lemons
• Make poisoned lemonade to give back to Life
• Ask why Life is suddenly an anthropomorphic creature that's handing out lemons like its Halloween at the citrus farm
• Throw them back
• Throw them back at Life and demand chocolate
• Throw them back and demand a Black Widow movie (did ya hear they're making one? Did you, did you, did you?  Ahhhhhh I'm so excited!!)
• Throw them back and demand limes like what's up with this citrus racism HMMM?
• Plant a lemon tree. Tree grows more lemons.  More trees.  More lemons.  Sell lemons.  Make millions off of lemon production.  Donate and dedicate your life to charity.  Retire and ask Life over for tea.
• Speaking of tea, when life gives you lemons, care for your sore throat with some nice lemon flavored tea
• Mop your floors with lemon scented solution (I mean that's gotta help with something.  Any essential oil illuminati members out there?  What does lemon do for you?)
• Sell lemonade jugs to little kids at a reduced price so they can guilt strangers into buying their lemonade, thereby making the general public a couple quarters poorer and those kids think that lemonade stands are an actual viable business
• Eat the lemon
• Eat the lemon whole
• Make Life respect you as you eat a lemon without flinching.  You are now the king of life
• Start a lemon vlog channel
• Paint the lemons and post it on Pinterest under the guise as a "quick and easy, super fun DIY for kids!"
• Politely return the lemons
• Direct a movie using only lemon actors (knowing the internet, it's probably on YouTube.  Also knowing the internet, I wouldn't search for it)
• and finally:
• Sit Life down (preferably with that soothing lemon tea and a nice blanket) and ask them why they have sO MANY DAMN LEMONS WHY?!  CALM YO SELF LIFE

Ha lemon jokes for life!  Ok but to be honest, this whole blog post was just an excuse to show you a drawing brought to you by none other than fetus me.  For context, I took this picture in 2015 on an iPod touch.  Ew.

I totally still want this on a shirt.  Let me know it I should put it on a shirt.

I'm putting it on a shirt.

Before I impulse buy 200 #HaveALemon shirts, I hope you enjoyed this post!  Comment below telling me what "When life gives you lemons..." responses I missed (Because I'm sure there's more.  There's always more) and as always, have a wonderful day.  Bye!

From the Archives: Dear Adults (Episode 1)

Hi guys!!!

It's another archive post.  This was originally posted on a blog blog written by all teenagers, some soon to be adults - although I don't really get that.  Are 17 year olds supposed to wake up one day and be like, "Oh goodie, now I'm an adult!  Time to pay taxes, go to college, get a job, and search for a potential mate before my family buys me cats and/or tries to set me up with a snot-nose who's twice my age!"

Yup.

Fair warning, this new blog post series will be pretty much made up of extremely unnecessarily judgmental rants directed in adults' direction.  Sorry.  (Except I'm not.  Writing this post was so fun.)

Today's edition of Dear Adults is discussing that hallowed, decrepit phrase - "these are the best years of your life, so enjoy 'em!"

*Teenagers everywhere shudder*

First of all, this phrase makes me think of aunts who smell like cats and cigarette smoke and bake you oatmeal raisin cookies that you're forced to gag down because your mother is giving you this look:

The "Be polite now because we're in public and I can't kill you yet" look

(she posed for this.  Thanks Mom)

OR, a distant friend of your mom's, with two bratty kids and a screaming baby who they call "their little cupcake".  You barely know this woman and had the misfortune of running into her in like, the commissary.  (Or the grocery store, for you civilians)

These are NOT good images people.

Secondly.......WHAT?!

These are the best years of my life?!  Just what do you think a teenagers life is actually like?  Let's take a step back now and look at the teenager's mind.  Like literally, what is going on up there?

I know, for me, I'm stressed over school, wondering if I should get a job (and if I can balance my hobbies with money-making and not be miserable), concerned about where I'm going and what I should do with my life, worried that my dreams will never come true and I'll be staggering around in a land fill begging the pigeons for food when I'm 40 because I got an B- on that quiz last week instead of a A.  Teenagers are, in general, an emotional mess, drenched in rampant hormones they don't know how to deal with, and are covered in pressure - and not just peer pressure, but pressure from their teachers, parents, coaches, extracurriculars, A.P. classes, bosses, etc.

Ah, to be young and carefree!

So maybe I'm happy - which is what I'm guessing this phrase is implying, because otherwise, what the heck, thanks jerk for reminding my how sad, lonely, and miserable my life is going to be.  So maybe I'm just content to allow life to happen and feel the breeze and the auras around me and wow the sun is so beautiful!!

(no, I'm not a hippie.  I've never met a hippie teenager.  Peace, yo)

Anyway, even if I'm happy...these are the best years of my life!?

My life?!!?

Human life expectancy is about 80 years of age and stretching with every scientific discovery about genetics and what we're made of (and dropping every time a new Burger King joint opens its doors)  These are the best years of my life?  I won't enjoy my 20s or my 50s or my 80s or any other time as much as my tumultuous, miserable teenage years?  There won't be a single day where I'm sitting in a rocking chair in my 60s as the summer breeze drifts around me,my one year old grandchild asleep in my lap like an adorable squishy couch potato, and I say, "This is the best time of my life,"?

This is not promising.  Or encouraging, or cute, or 'enjoy-it'-inducing, or whatever the heck was supposed to be.

This is a threat.

It is literally promising that no matter how sucky life is at the moment, heh, it's only downhill from here!  Have fun with our 19.4 TRILLION dollar national debt, the responsibility of figuring out whether humans are actually melting the planet or if that's just political hype, plague, famine, pestilence, World War 3, and Trump (or Clinton.  Either way:

Conclusion: This phrase is so insulting on so many levels I'm surprise it even became a thing.  It was probably invented by the same guy who put the 's' in lisp.  And puts sharp corners on hip-height furniture.

Diagnosis:  Destroy it!  If an adult ever says this to you teens, feel free to slap them, with a fridge, or something lighter, like a scorpion.  Or let loose the fire of hell and tell them a thing or two (you can quote me!  I won't sue)

Or you can just force an awkward laugh and nod politely before exiting like a sweatshirt-ed ninja.

Since that's what we're doing anyway.

Sincerely,

Teens.

P.S.

I hope it was extremely clear that I meant this post to be as ridiculously sarcastic and offensively scathing as possible and that it was clear that I didn't literally mean to point fingers at anyone.  If you think this was too mean, tell me in the comments below.  Or complain to your friends about how weird and offensive this blog post was and give them a link.

Teens - tell me what Dear Adults I should do next!

Adults - Please stop telling kids that these are the best years of our life.

Literally, I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

Bye!  See you next week!

Spam

Spam emails are ridiculous.  I know that my account automatically deletes spam emails after 30 days, but I like to go through there every once and a while just for laughs, because seriously, they're so ridiculous!  Not only do some pretend to be people I know and fail in every possible way, they also seem to think that I am a forty to sixty year old man who is sad that they are forty to sixty years old, a socially awkward teenaged guy in desperate "need" of some bow chick a wow wow, or a 30 something mother with an arsenal of coupons on a mission to give customer service workers everywhere a head ache and a half.  Allow me to demonstrate.

Exhibit A: the "friend"
This person uses a name that seems to be a name that's commonly associated with your email.  It's clever, because you think for a moment that you did get an email from your BFF!  And then you open the email and it reverts to:

Exhibit B:  the "friend 😏😏 if ya know what I mean"
These are the gross emails you get that make you feel like you should probably start attending daily mass.  I find these minimally amusing because tag lines include "I had so much fun last night, we should do it again" and "are you that guy from the club last Friday?".  Riiiiiiight.  As a writer who spends Fridays night at Barnes n Noble drinking over priced coffee, this spammer could not be farther off the mark if they tried.

Exhibit C:  the Absolute Screw Up
This email messes everything up, in every conceivable manner.  The best example I have is the 12 identical emails I got from literally "Jane Smith" (real creative there)   Each was titled, "Why haven't you answered my texts".  Plausible enough....  And then, the actual email says, "Hey, you emailed me, do we know each other?"
Nuff said about that.

Exhibit D:  the Dating Simulator
Similar to B, this email advertises the best dating website ever, filled with women who are timid, sexually active, slam dunk hot, 'exotic', and so desperate that they'll date you no matter what colour your fedora is or how misogynistic  you are!  I'm... stunned.  Where is this army of women in real life?  
Haha.
Nowhere.
 
Exhibit E:  The Ironic
"Check for pedophiles in your area", "Keep the net safe for your kids", and "Find out if he's cheating on you with an 'Internet friend'" all fall under this category.  There's also 'official' government announcements that misspell the word government, defense, and judicial.  A+

Exhibit F:  The "Midas Touch"
I call this one the Midas Touch because it seems golden and amazing and a beautiful, pure email that is mixed in with the mud.  It is the email from somebody you actually know, with information that is relevant to you... 6 months ago.  This golden email is useless.  The Midas Touch ruins all.  This email is over half a year old, and it needed a response in a week.  You can never go in public again.  Avoid email sender at all costs.  Change your name to Merida and move to Scotland.  All is lost!

So yeah, that's my thoughts on spam!  Did I miss any important categories?  Do I think about this way too much for a normal human being?  I probably do XD. Tell me how lame I am in the comments, I'll probably find an email notification in my spam folder in three years.  Thanks for reading, and see you next time!

PS
Look up 'Scamalot / James Veitch " on YouTube.  You will not be disappointed :D

From the Archives: What To Do When an Essay Says 'Screw You'

Hi guys!
As many of you know, I've recently switched blogs.  There are a couple posts I actually really like, and I've decided to repost them on here.  Don't worry, I won't be spamming, it'll be posted over time, bit by bit.  This is the first part of it!  I hope you like it.  Today I Met presents:  What To Do When an Essay Says 'Screw You!'


***


Somewhere,
In a distant land, probably the living room, my mother is being scandalized by my language in this blog post title (sorry mom)  Anyway, today we are going to talk about that essay.  Yes, that one.  The one where you read the prompt and just want to repeatedly slam your head against the desk because you already know that this essay is going to be the dullest one in the history ever.

:(

No, today is not a complaining post (although my brain and wacked up emotions want it to be).  Today, we're going to go through the steps to...well, maybe not ROCK this essay, but at least survive it.

Alllllrighty.

Step 1:  Write an outline
Yes, I know, outlines suck. But this will make fleshing out your essay much easier.  Find out your essay's word limits and assign each paragraph a number of words.  This will help, trust me.

Step 2:  Flesh it out
Believe it or not, this is the easiest bit.  Write those paragraphs (and you don't have to be A-B-C but in the order you want/feel like writing.  This is called dessert writing, and many authors prefer this method!)  Try to stick with the word limit, but it's okay to go over a couple (hundred).  And remember, this is the time to give this essay personality.  Make it  yours and don't worry too much about it.

Step 3:  Editing Part 1
If you have time immediately after writing, then go back.  Fix grammar and spelling mistakes.  Cut extraneous material, but leave that creativity in!  And keep  ignoring that word count.

Step 4:  Your soul dies Editing Part 2
Step away.  Do something else.  If you can, wait till the next day.  NOW:

This is the hard part, when you have to look at your essay as a teacher and answer the questions they're going to ask themselves when they're grading this.

Does this essay cover the material?  Make sure in your rambles, you haven't gone off topic.  Read the prompt again.  Read your essay.  Be honest when yourself as you figure out what doesn't belong.

Is this essay fundamentally correct?  No, I'm not talking about your opinions.  I mean, formatting, grammar, and spelling.  Most high school teachers call for MLA formatting.  It sucks and looks stupid, but teachers love that format.

Ahem.

Also, listen up buttercup:

"Comma inside the quote," she said.  "And Around Short Story Titles.  Unless It's a Longer Book Title."

You claim you're not good with grammar?  You need to improve your skills.

That's their toy.

Give it to them, over there.

They're going to beat you over the head if you don't.

Its tail.  (possessive.  The tail that belongs to it)

It's a tail (it is a tail)

There, now none of your stupid excuses!  You've got nothing to hide behind.

Back on subject.

Is this essay formal?  It maybe dry, but you have to be formal in an essay UNLESS specifically instructed not to.  This means:

• Cutting words like 'kids'.  Use 'children' instead.
• Not using 1st Or 2nd person.  Instead one should use the term one when asserting one's opinion.  (I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.)

Alright!  You may feel yourself dying inside, but your essay is complete!  Now, do not stress about it!  You've finished it up as best you can.  Stress is bad for you.  Drink tea instead.

You deserved it ;)

(see you next week)

Poems (continued)

More poetry for you lovely folks!  I hope you like these lol.  I will be posting some more substantial content later (lots of movie reviews and people descriptions) but for now, it's just little snippit poems for you :)

Rage

I wrote about my rage
I wrote it real polite
With fancy words
And a smile on my lips
But a bow on a box
Doesn't make it any less of a coffin

***

Bubble

If you lived in a bubble
Far outside of time
Would you spend your days enjoying your world
Or trying to get back to mine?

***

Don't

Don't ask questions
Don't disrespect your elders
Don't question authority
Are all rules
That I cannot seem to follow
Guess I'm not a good student

***

Respect Your Elders

Oh dear
Golly gee
How old do I have to be
Before I'm not 'acting inappropriately'
And I can remind kids
That they should respect me?

Poems

I've been trying to get my thoughts together as of late and I found out that short poems are often a good way to so!  Forgive my horrible rhymning skills, but I thought that some of these were cute and wanted to share them:

Too Busy Dreaming

Tick Tock

Time slips away

I reach for the future

Straining

But here I must stay

My feet on the ground

My head in the clouds

With people throwing darts saying,

"Hey!  Come back down!"

***

Demon Girl

I am a demon girl

With slitted eyes and fangs for teeth

I am a demon girl

Who chases after what she cannot reach

I am a demon girl

I ask questions and I wear skirts

Both are bad, trust in God

Go home, you're drunk, little demon girl

***

Help!  Human!

Help!

My writer doesn't like me!

She's getting the eraser

Quick, read me, then she can't-

Ohhhhh no, here it comes

Listen, this is important

The treasure is in the-

Barnes 'n' Noble People: Pt 4

Intro
Pt 2
Pt 3

• A Morgan Freeman doppelganger with a heavily patterned blue shirt and a African style hat who didn’t seem able to stop smiling (he also appeared to be a teacher, as he was red-penning a bunch of students  RIP a lot of kids)
• A rather Aunt style kind of lady with intense eyes hidden behind square framed glasses, greying blonde hair and a sweater with swirling patterns knitted in chatting with the Morgan Freeman guy about retirement and grandkids and the meaning life
• A guy with a baseball jersey-style jacket, a nearly identical t-shirt under that, a leather baseball cap with some kind of logo on it along with several baseball pins, giant black headphones, and a fat gold ring with what looks like a family crest on it.  He was very intently reading something in a binder, though it all looked very boring
• A worker who looks like a modern AU Daenerys from GoT
• Some lady who was honestly way too pretty and perfect to be wandering around in the real world, much less something as normal and boring as Barnes ‘n’ Noble
• A barista who looked like a T’Challa (Black Panther) from a coffee shop AU
• The cutest little girl in a stroller, smiling and babbling about something to her mom, wrapped up in a blanket with a pom pom hat over her puffy hair.  I almost died of cute when her mom called her ‘my ladybug’

Updates

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been all that active recently, I've been dealing with some stuff on my other blog, International Bffs.  Fortunately though, I'll be able to put some more effort into this blog now, because I've stepped away from International Bffs permanantly.  I'd still suggest reading it and supporting the new management, but yours truly won't be making any appearances.

Because of this change, I'll be making this blog my main blog for all my ramblings and reviews and theories.  Yup, that means change (*screaming in the distance*)  Here are some of the updates to look out for in the future!

• NOT:  an end to my people series, especially not the Barnes 'n' Noble people
• NOT:  a big deviation from what I meant this blog to be about in the first place
• Reposted stuff from my old blog
• Dear Adults!  Y'all are going to love this series
• Probably more reviews and theories, specifically about Marvel

Like I said, not too many changes!  Hopefully you like the updates and new stuff, and have a great day!

The Art of a 15 Minute Walk

1.  Silence your phone, but do bring it with you
2. If there's things weighing on your mind, write them down and then forget about them.  A walk doesn't do you any good if you can't focus on it
3. Dress appropriately - if it's cold, wear a coat.  If you're freezing, that's all you'll be able to focus on
4. Walk with a dog.  You can take a friend if you want, but then you'll want to talk.  A dog will force you to stop every so often so they can sniff and you can look around, enjoying this wonderful world
5. Look for something new everyday - a pretty fall leaf, a lady bug, the PTA moms doing their lunges down the sidewalk.  It doesn't have to be out of place or unusual to catch your eye
6. Don't let it go over, especially if you've got things to get done, but try to walk the full fifteen minutes every time
7. Soak in the sun light, if you can
8. Walking the same route everyday can allow you to see new little changes (this is especially good during the fall and spring)  Alternatively, walking a different route allows you to discover new things every time
9. Walk everyday
10. And finally, don't take a blog's word for it:  go out and see your corner of the world

Barnes 'n' Noble People: Pt. 3

Horray for Friday nights


Intro

Part 2

• The elderly couple carrying off loads of reduced price, cold brew coffee makers
• The eleven-something year old boy with a chocolate frappuccino, enthusiastically reading a car catalogue in the cafe.  You do you, kid.  You do you.
• That one Barnes ‘n’ Noble employee that insists you don’t bring any outside food or drink (whereas, every other employee literally does not care.  C’mon man, I just wanted to drink my soda in peace, I don’t have the weekly budget to buy your overpriced frappa-frickin’-chino, a.k.a. legalized addictives)
• The one couple with two laptops, an ice tea and a coffee, and five or six notebooks, quietly discussing something in serious tones (they’re either school teachers or assassins, there is no other option here)
• The one over-hassled Barnes ‘n’ Noble employee attempting to help the elderly couple who are taking off with all the coffee makers.
• The one creepy guy who’s always in the corner and felt the need to whistle loud enough for the whole store to hear when he went up to order a coffee. And yes, I can say with authority that he is "always" here, because I come to this store often enough to know :|

Who did you meet today?

Oktoberfest

Every year, our church has a big fundraiser in the form of an Oktoberfest.  Of course, it's not really an Oktoberfest, it's a bunch of Americans drinking beer and saying, 'See, we're German!' (they didn't even play Sweet Caroline :< )  We volunteered to help out; me at the face painting booth (with Mom as a manager), and Dad at the beer tent.  We had...an interesting night and met some definite characters:

• The previous shift of face painters, who seemed to think this job was the easiest thing in the world (the first shift is always really easy.  Then other kids start seeing the kids with their face painted and BAM)
• Literally dozens of parents forcing their unwilling three year old to sit down, hold still, the nice lady's going to paint a butterfly on your face so I can post a cute instagram, now SHUSH
• The black girl with a glitter skull tshirt that shyly asked me for Wonder Woman face paint.  She makes me feel happy inside :)
• When the kids don't know what they want, I usually try to speed up the process with some prompting of, "How about the butterfly?  It'd match your shirt, wouldn't it?"  One tiny little girl, after this prompting, fiercly declared, "NO.  I want SPIDERMAN."  She was the only girl that I gave super hero face paint (that was not Wonder Woman)
• The group -group?  Squad?  Gaggle? -of 9y.o.ish girls who decided it'd be a good idea to start complaining about how awful face painting was and how face painters were always so annoying while standing right next to me.  I thought this very brave of them, considering the face that I was going to be painting them next and we didn't have a mirror >:)  (no, I didn't paint anything bad on their face.  ....or did I ehehehe)
• The one mother who decided to smoke while standing in our tent
• The posh, professory-voiced man who walked past, explaining to his wife, "Now this is a religious festival, darling-"  I didn't catch the rest but it sounded like he was about to explain how we'd have a fascinating virgin sacrifice later to end off the celebration

I ended up having to go over-shift, since the next shift never showed up, and painted for three hours instead of my originally volunteered two. By the time it was over, I was sore and weak kneed, but a pretzel and a poorly cooked hot dog later, I was home, content and writing this blog post.

Who did you meet today?

P.S.

3 hours of face painting and this was the only personal paint I have to show for it:

Neighbors (New and Improved)

Summer is always a time of change.  More specifically, it's the time of moving trucks and new faces.  A lot of our neighborhood moved over the summer and now our new people are moving in.

We've got the people to the left of us, who have two identical minivans and two girls I will only describe as "the lemonade stand girls".  They also have a dog who is fond of taking himself for walks and a cat that I refer to as Watermelon, since that its approximent size and shape.

Catty corner to us, we have the pair of husbands with the cute white chairs on their front porch and the fluffy dog.  They are mysteriously never home.

Across, we've got the sporty, outdoorsy, adopt-everybody family, who are lovely and also never home. They've got the cute little three year old who wants nothing more to keep up with her big football playing brothers and the mom who, despite being perpetually tired out, mothers every kid in the neighborhood and throws the best block parties ever.

Opposite catty corner is a new family that are only just now moving in.  I'm calling them the Vampire Family.

And then next to us we have the other three year old (who's learning to ride her first big-kid bike right now), the day-working military mum, and the ten year old boy who plays saxaphone in the street in the evenings.

Neighbors are weird, man.

Who did you meet today?

P.S.
I had to look up, "Is it kitty corner or catty corner," because my mom thought it must be, 'kitty'.   Apparently, 'kitty', 'catty', and 'cater' corner are all acceptable, while 'caddy' is not.  #TheMoreYouKnow

Barnes 'n' Noble People: Pt 2

Click here for part one

• The guy with the haircut I would describe as a cross between “weed wacker” and “friendly hedgehog”, telling a long-winded stories about chicks (no, not the bird) to an semi-unwilling looking guy wearing an unfortunate shade of yellow
• A teenage girl with the poofiest dark hair, a coral business jacket and a beautiful floral skirt, and a cat headband who is now my fashion model for the next forever
• The poor, poor tutor that has to put up with a student who hasn’t just mastered the art of procrastinating, he’s destroyed it and become the next-gen procrastinator
• The barista’s face when he heard my mom ask for a pumpkin spice latte
• The guy whose hair was longer than mine and was at least twice my height (not literally; he’d have to be  really tall).  His arm was a sleeve of twisted tattoos; he was wearing a skull-emblazoned t-shirt, punk boots, and skinny jeans, and honestly looking so much more fabulous than me

Who did you meet today?

People You See at Barnes n Noble (An On-Going List)

Sometimes you don't see people who are that weird.  Other times...you see somebody you could only define as, "a character".  I see many of these, "characters," and decided to start writing them down, because... reasons.  Here's the ones I saw, just today:

• The balding man with reading glasses and sunglasses, a no-sleeve cameo shirt, running shorts, and crocs with mix-matched socks reading “The Art of War” (he also had a stack of other books, including history books on both World Wars)
• The equally balding man who sat behind me for 2+ hours reading the same copy of Top Gear, held within inches of his face
• The two black women who loudly marched in, yelled, “OH MY GAWD” when they realized Barnes and Noble was out of cookies (note: this was at 8:30 on a Friday night), complained for five minutes about the apparently lack of cookies and how, “I didn’t need a cookie but oh my gawd I wanted one so bad,” and then abruptly left
• The 20-something blonde who bought a grande coffee and then proceeded to march her stroller around the lobby/cafe space (in four inch heels!) in an attempt to make her crying child sleep (she then left with her presumed husband, chatting about how tired she was)
• Me, who, if you see me, is usually on my laptop, writing (a.k.a. looking frustrated, confused, or hitting my head against the table as I scroll through a document)

Who did you meet today?