From the Archives: What To Do When an Essay Says 'Screw You'

Hi guys!
As many of you know, I've recently switched blogs.  There are a couple posts I actually really like, and I've decided to repost them on here.  Don't worry, I won't be spamming, it'll be posted over time, bit by bit.  This is the first part of it!  I hope you like it.  Today I Met presents:  What To Do When an Essay Says 'Screw You!'


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Somewhere,
In a distant land, probably the living room, my mother is being scandalized by my language in this blog post title (sorry mom)  Anyway, today we are going to talk about that essay.  Yes, that one.  The one where you read the prompt and just want to repeatedly slam your head against the desk because you already know that this essay is going to be the dullest one in the history ever.

:(

No, today is not a complaining post (although my brain and wacked up emotions want it to be).  Today, we're going to go through the steps to...well, maybe not ROCK this essay, but at least survive it.

Alllllrighty.

Step 1:  Write an outline
Yes, I know, outlines suck. But this will make fleshing out your essay much easier.  Find out your essay's word limits and assign each paragraph a number of words.  This will help, trust me.

Step 2:  Flesh it out
Believe it or not, this is the easiest bit.  Write those paragraphs (and you don't have to be A-B-C but in the order you want/feel like writing.  This is called dessert writing, and many authors prefer this method!)  Try to stick with the word limit, but it's okay to go over a couple (hundred).  And remember, this is the time to give this essay personality.  Make it  yours and don't worry too much about it.

Step 3:  Editing Part 1
If you have time immediately after writing, then go back.  Fix grammar and spelling mistakes.  Cut extraneous material, but leave that creativity in!  And keep  ignoring that word count.

Step 4:  Your soul dies Editing Part 2
Step away.  Do something else.  If you can, wait till the next day.  NOW:

This is the hard part, when you have to look at your essay as a teacher and answer the questions they're going to ask themselves when they're grading this.

Does this essay cover the material?  Make sure in your rambles, you haven't gone off topic.  Read the prompt again.  Read your essay.  Be honest when yourself as you figure out what doesn't belong.

Is this essay fundamentally correct?  No, I'm not talking about your opinions.  I mean, formatting, grammar, and spelling.  Most high school teachers call for MLA formatting.  It sucks and looks stupid, but teachers love that format.

Ahem.

Also, listen up buttercup:

"Comma inside the quote," she said.  "And Around Short Story Titles.  Unless It's a Longer Book Title."

You claim you're not good with grammar?  You need to improve your skills.

That's their toy.

Give it to them, over there.

They're going to beat you over the head if you don't.

Its tail.  (possessive.  The tail that belongs to it)

It's a tail (it is a tail)

There, now none of your stupid excuses!  You've got nothing to hide behind.

Back on subject.

Is this essay formal?  It maybe dry, but you have to be formal in an essay UNLESS specifically instructed not to.  This means:

• Cutting words like 'kids'.  Use 'children' instead.
• Not using 1st Or 2nd person.  Instead one should use the term one when asserting one's opinion.  (I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.)

Alright!  You may feel yourself dying inside, but your essay is complete!  Now, do not stress about it!  You've finished it up as best you can.  Stress is bad for you.  Drink tea instead.

You deserved it ;)

(see you next week)